An eyelash curler that’ll make your eyelashes curl.

As I said last week, I do not have long, luxurious eyelashes. They are more short, convenient eyelashes. I mean, they keep foreign objects out like they are supposed to, but fancy they aren’t.

If my eyelashes were a hotel, they’d totally be the Ramada, not the Four Seasons.

This is why I am willing to spend 50 million dollars on an eyelash curler. I mean, I can’t find a mascara I like, so at least I can curl the pee out of them, right?

I never even knew there WERE expensive eyelash curlers until I worked with this woman who I really didn’t like very much, but she had really nice eyes. She was a single mom with five kids, and she was really, really, really careful with her appearance. It worked, because eventually she married someone and had TWO MORE KIDS with him while I worked with her.

Not that she gave birth in the office, but you know what I mean.

The POINT of this convoluted story is to tell you she had this huge makeup case she’d bring to work every day, and she owned (I am not kidding) every single color of eye shadow that MAC makes.

For some reason, one day she was without her eyelash curler, and as she sat in the lobby of our office, blatantly putting on eye makeup during work, she asked if she could use my eyelash curler. Trying not to be an only child, I tried not to think of impetigo as I handed her the Maybelline eyelash curler I had used since 1979.

"Oh. If that’s all you’ve got, forget it," she told me.

This is kind of like the time a girl in college asked if I had any pearls she could borrow, and when I got out my strand from Clare’s Boutique, she said forget it, and I said, "What? They’re ROUND." Like that was all you need in a pearl.

The woman at work who I didn’t like very much explained to me that Shiseido made a to-die-for eyelash curler and it made all the difference in the world. If you think I didn’t fake a sudden onset of food poisoning and leave work to head straight for the Shiseido counter, you do not know your critical pal June very well.

The woman I didn’t like was RIGHT. I mean, your lashes get CURLED. The grip is really firm, and I don’t mean in a painful way. The Shiseido Eyelash Curler costs $17.50, which I know is probably three times as much as a drugstore one, but it is worth it. You can have an eyelash curler forever, you know, all you have to do is replace the pads.

Of course, I didn’t keep mine forever. I moved up in the world and bought the Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler for $19.00.

I think what must have happened is I thought I lost the Shiseido one or something, and so I bought the Shu Uemura, because now I have both and they are, frankly, interchangeable. If anyone has any feelings on which of these expensive tools are better, please comment. In the meantime, I will bat my very curly lashes at you.