In high school, I had a boyfriend with really long eyelashes. Why is it so often that boys get the long eyelashes, and they are not even supposed to have them? Even Bambi rocked the lashy look.
Anyway, said boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch once and after he stared at me awhile he said, "Do you TRIM your eyelashes?"
Yes. Yes, I do. I want them to be short and manly. Thanks for asking.
So, I have the short lashes. I curl them with the world’s costliest curler (another post. But I’ll tell you now, toss that one from your drugstore. Oh, now I wish I were posting about my fancy eyelash curler), but they are never what you’d call luxurious.
In fact, the only mascara that has ever made a difference in my life is a Maybelline brand, which is funny because I am just about to hate on another Maybelline Mascara. The one I LIKED was called Illegal Lengths, which I don’t even know what they were trying to say with that stupid name. "You’re under arrest for lengthy lashes." Seriously. Who thought that name up?
Well, anyway, they discontinued the stuff. Now it seems the only mascara you can find is by this phony division of Maybelline, Maybelline New York. Okay. Maybelline? You are not fooling us by adding the "New York." You are not seeming more fancy. I know in my heart of hearts that Maybelline New York is probably made in Cincinnati. And you know what? I don’t CARE. Don’t try to be highfalutin’ with me. When I want reasonably good makeup that I can get for cheap at the drugstore, I am going to buy Maybelline. You don’t have to pretend to be cosmopolitan to get me. I’ve already been gotten.
So. In that vein, I went to Walgreen’s recently to get some mascara. Ever since I found that really great Illegal Lengths, I have hoped I’d find an old tube of it in some drugstore. Seriously, it actually made my eyelashes look long; even my mother noticed it. It was good stuff.
But again, my hopes were dashed, and I bought Maybelline New York (of course) Define-A-Lash Mascara. Had they consulted, me, I’d have made the "A" a small "a." The product retailed for $4.99.
Well. The whole claim to fame of this product is its brush. The brush is — how do I put this? — squishy. It bends. And it’s bright green.
Basically, I felt like I was applying mascara with an expired cucumber. It bent around, which is not what I want my applicator to do! And while it is a serviceable mascara — not a lot of clumping or anything, I did not feel defined in my lash in any particularly impressive way.
But here is the worst part. That wand? That wishy-washy, bendy, dead porcupine applicator brush? When you try to cram it back in the bottle, what do you think happens? It BENDS and gets MASCARA all over your HAND, is what happens. You have to be slow and careful. Are you able to be slow and careful when putting on your makeup in the morning? Exactly. Then you have to find a towel and wipe a gigantic gob of mascara off the side of your hand. Not good.
So, June gives a smudged thumbs-down to Maybelline Define-A-Lash with the squishy applicator. And hey, Maybelline! Bring back Illegal Lengths! Bail it out, would ya?
About Jo-Lynne
Please tell me about the eyelash curler.
Loved this wonderful, funny and helpful post. I used to have lots of eyelashes. Long and thick. Then I got older and now I have stubby lashes and dry eyes that are easily irritated by mascara. I’m certain that a squishy cucumber will not help me — glad to know in advance.
Maybelline always melted off of me. Lancome used to have the best mascaras. Maybe I should spend the money and get a really good product rather than buying 30 cheap, non-working products.
Great blog! Will be back, so post about that eyelash curler.
Hee hee – I for one do NOT want to try defining my lashes with a gooey caterpillar. I will stay FAR, FAR away from this one.
This rubber, squishy brush seems to be the big thing right now. I tried Cover Girl Lash Exact and had the same experience. Their bright orange applicator holds too much mascara, especially on the tip, and goops it all over my eyelashes.
You can buy Illegal Lengths on ebay. Can’t vouch for the freshness, but it’s fairly cheap.
Well, this is not cheap drugstore stuff, but I would HIGHLY recommend Kiss Me mascara found at Sephora. You can also check it out at http://www.kissmemascara.com. If you want to spend a FORTUNE to grow your eyelashes, try RevitaLash. My hairdresser claims that she DOES have to trim her eyelashes from using this, and she used to have next to nothing eyelashes.
Would you believe Maybelline New York is actually made in North Little Rock, Arkansas?
WooHoo! Fancy!
All I can say is poor Cincinnati. They are always the ghetto city brunt of this type of humor.
I am in no way trying to take up for Cincinnati.
Man, they discontinued a certain mascara that I loved as well. I think it was called Xpress or something like that. (I may be confusing that name with something else.) It came in a fat tube and it curled, lengthened and thickened all in one. I LOVED IT. I actually recommended it to people. And they had to go and discontinue it!!! The travesty.
BTW, what did happen to all those curling mascaras? I enjoyed them.
Came from your FriedOkra. Thanks for the fun posts. I recommend Lash Blast by Cover Girl! (I use waterproof because I end up crying in church from the good preaching.) This stuff makes me look like I have real lashes, and mine are just fine, wispy short stubby ones. Let me know if you try it. Illegal Lengths was one of my favorites at one time. But the quest is over now. Lash Blast, in a pumpkin-colored tube. Can’t miss it!
OMW!!!!!!!!!! I was JUST posting about this on an online forum when someone referred me to your blog.
HERE is my post:
Okay, this is SERIOUS! I was a long, long, long time wearer of Illegal Lengths Mascara by Maybelline. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it. I did the job it said it was going to do. For all intents and purposes it lengthened my lashes, or at least it made them LOOK longer and it never clumped. I had used it for years.
Okay, for whatever reason, Illegal Lengths is no longer on the market:(. I have tried at least 10 different kinds of mascara and been super disappointed. I am tired of buying new mascara. So, here is what I need from you. PLEASE tell me a good mascara for lengthening lashes. Or, if it doesn’t do that, give me a mascara that is at the very least clump-free and makes it appear as though you have lots of lashes when you don’t
I mean, I only want you to post about mascara if you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it and wanna marry it. I don’t want you to post if you just sorta like it – I want your LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it response. As well as the reason you LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Are you annoyed yet?
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then, after the post, I totally emailed Maybelline – I NEVER do that, but I am totally missing this mascara!
Anyway, you are not alone Chic!
Becky
I got this and thought mine was defective because the wand was so squishy and bendy. I didn’t buy it again.
I’m not usually a Maybelline mascara customer, their mascaras tend to flake in my eyes and I’m not quite sure why everyone loves whatever that pink one is.
I tried Boots Waterproof mascara at Target – it was great. I’m not usually a waterproof customer but I bought it because I was going to my grandmother’s funeral and it washes off easily in soap and water and doesn’t give you raccoon eyes.
I saw that Sally Hershberger stuff today that you blogged about a while back. It smelled good but I couldn’t bring myself to spend $13 to buy it.
WELL – I thought you might be interested to know what Maybelline had to say:
Thank you for visiting Maybelline New York on the Web. We appreciate your comments expressing disappointment in our decision to discontinue Illegal Lengths Washable Mascara. Please be assured that this was done only after careful consideration of all marketing factors. This product is no longer available, and we have no way to obtain it for you to purchase. It is never easy for us to discontinue any product, and we apologize for any difficulty you have experienced. Your comments will be referred to the appropriate individual in our company. We hope you will continue to use our products.
I say MARKETING/SCHMARKETING – noone even thought to ask ME!
Lashing out in Arkansas!!
Becky
Ooooh, I second the Kiss Me mascara. I don’t think it makes my lashes illegally long (how long would that be, BTW?), but it looks loverly on and does not come off until I take it off (in weird little spider leg like tubes, which I find oddly interesting). It’s not cheap, but soooooo worth the money.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!!!!! First of all as I was reading along about the mascara I felt I was reading my own writing! I too have been so disappointed that they discontinued the Illegal Lengths Mascara. I don’t know what it is about that stuff but I LOVE IT! It makes my lashes look so good (if I do say so myself)full and long And I too have contacted them and got the EXACT response back. I have loved it for YEARS! Have tried everything from CHANEL to other drug store brands to be disappointed each time. BUT I have good news for you. I almost hate to tell everyone! I have been buying it on ebay for the past year or so…whenever they stopped making it! Just don’t outbid me! LOL So there…you have my secret! But I feel your pain and feel the need to share the info I have to ease yours! I hope you find some. NOW you must tell me about this eye lash curler. 🙂 Unless you have already posted about that I just havent seen it yet.
Ohhh, I loved Illegal Lengths as well…..the best EVER! Maybelline….you made a terrible mistake by discontinuing this fabulous stuff! If anyone is looking for a decent mascara to replace Illegal Lengths with, coming in 2nd place for me is L’Oreal Lash Out. I used to love Max Factor 2000 Calorie Mascara as well, and now they are discontinuing Max Factor cosmetics (all of ’em) in the USA! I am fuming!