I think Jergen's should send us all large checks.

Back in the olden days (and who says "olden days" anymore? Would I seem cooler had I said, "Back in the days of yore"? Your what?), women used to eat glass so that they’d have internal bleeding and therefore stay pale. Pale was where it was at. If you’ll forgive the preposition dangling or whatever.

Pale showed that you were wealthy and you could stay inside while field hands did all the work for you.

Then ridiculous Coco Chanel went on a cruise and got tan, probably wearing a bathing suit and 750 gold chains (Coco liked her the chains) and the whole world started getting tan, too. All of a sudden those field hands had the last laugh.

Somehow I got to be born post-Coco Chanel, which does not work out for me. I am pale. Pale pale pale. I got one of those DNA tests done? Not the kind where Maury Povitch says, "You are NOT the father!" but the kind National Geographic will do? Where they tell you where you came from thousands of years ago? And could I be any more annoying with these question marks? And the DNA test told me I descended from Western Europeans. Which I already totally knew. So that was boring. I wanted to be Zulu.

The point is, those Western Europeans? Your Germans and your Irish and your Londoners? Not what you’d call a swarthy bunch. So basically I have the always-internally-bleeding look that would have made me look fabulous in 1912.

It didn’t help that I grew up in Michigan, where the suns shines an average of 46 minutes a year.

This is why I was happy when self-tanners came out. Oh, yes, I did the whole actual lying in the sun thing, and also the I-am-paying-for-it-now tanning bed action. But self-tanners? You could use them any time of year. And you probably wouldn’t get skin cancer from them!

And Sister Pale Face, I have tried them all. I tried the kinds that streaked so you looked like you had impetigo. I tried the kind that smelled exactly like a margarita, so my workplace kept trying to get me into rehab. I tried the kind that didn’t show up at all.

And you, dear tan-seeking reader, can reap the benefits of my trial and error. Emphasis on error.

Okay. If you want to go high-end? You need you the Clarins. I have been using Clarins since 1990, and I am hap-hap-happy with it. It smells wonderful, and it goes on perfectly. The color is really natural and it lasts awhile, too.

Clarins has a lot of tanning products and bronzers, but the one I am familiar with is the Clarins Self Tanning Milk SPF 6. It is ironic that self-tanner shields you from getting tan, but ironic in a good way. Apparently the sun is very bad. It’s like Woody Allen says. All the things our parents told us are good for us are really bad for us: the sun, milk, college.

Clarins Self Tanning Milk costs around 30 bucks for four ounces. But color, smell, results and consistency-wise? So worth it. And it’s won Allure’s Best of Beauty award.

Now, let’s say you just had to pay $4,500 in taxes or you just bought a house or the thought of spending 30 dollars on any beauty product strikes you as vaguely ridiculous. I have been there, oh melanin seeker.

That is why I can also heartily recommend Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, which, hi, you can get for about eight bones at the grocery store. It comes in different intensities, so if you are Whitey Whitenstein like me, you don’t need to buy the dark "I am Jamaican, honest" shade. You can buy the Western-European-pale-yet-slightly-toasty shade.

It does not have the drama of Clarins, I mean, I have never gotten as golden tan using Jergen’s as I have using Clarins, but the smell is excellent and the coverage is smooth. And it does show up, but not after the first time you use it. In other words, if you’re thinking of rocking the bare-leg look on Saturday night, don’t use the Jergen’s the first time on Saturday afternoon. Begin on Thursday and build up the color.

That is my review of tanning products, and I feel really bad because Emily asked me if I was gonna talk about Jergen’s this week and I said no thinking she meant Jergen’s hand lotion. Sorry, Emily. You can talk about Jergen’s, too. Perhaps you are not as anemic-looking as me and you have a different perspective. A different tone. Get it? Bah! I know it was "shady" of me to talk about the self-tanner you wanted to talk about. Bah! Baha!

Okay. Stopping now.