Smiling at Frownies

What do you think it means that I have a large, deep frown line between my eyebrows and no laugh lines to speak of? Cranky much?

They say wrinkles come from repeating the same expression over and over, which is similar to the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You haven’t heard that? Perhaps that was only in my house. Did I mention my mother is a therapist?).

I have just spent the last half hour trying to find you a picture of me from when I am four, and I am all dressed up in a princess costume and giant pumps, and I am frown frown frowning. But just trust me. I have been a crabby princess all my life. Hence that I am now 42 and three-quarters and I have a ditch between my eyebrows.

I want you to know that I have tried drastic measures to fix this condition, and since I lived in LA, yes, I tried these things in a doctor’s office. First I tried collagen in my forehead. My forehead turned black. I am not kidding you. Turns out I am allergic to collagen or something.

Not to be dissuaded, I thought, well, if I am allergic to cow fat, why not see how I react to rat poison? So yes, two or three times I had Botox injections, and to tell you the truth, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Yes, my forehead was completely paralyzed, but the wrinkle was still there. So maybe if I’d have started getting Botox at age four, during the princess-dress era. Gee, I wish I could find that dang photo.

Since plastic surgery doesn’t seem to work for me, I went on to try Frownies. Renee Russo swears by them, and look at her. She looks good. I find it hard to believe all she does is buy Frownies, but okay.

Frownies have been around since 1889. Yes, EIGHTEEN eighty-nine. They are little pads that you moisten and stick on your wrinkle for a minimum of three hours. (They have pads for laugh lines around your eyes and mouth, too, for those of you who have actually been cheerful in this life.)

Now, obviously, you’d probably want to put on your Frownies at night, but whatever. Maybe you want to go to work with a brown paper patch on your face. Go to it, I say.

You can moisten the pads with water, or you can also buy their hydrator spray. Which of course I did, because it’s important that I fall for everything on earth and that I spend as much money as possible on beauty products. The two products can be purchased for $30 as a set, or $20 a piece. And, most important, they offer a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Now, what Frownies claims is that by putting this paper on your frown lines, you train your muscles to regain the strength they have lost. The spray claims to rehydrate the skin.

I have no idea if what they say is true, but I can tell you that if you actually remember to put the Frownie pad on each night, it does really seem to make a difference. The only drawback is that it’s yet another step in your nighttime regime, which for me sometimes consists of kicking off my shoes before I fall into bed. I guess your motivation will depend on how badly you want that Suez Canal gone from your face.

I found my first box of Frownies at a pharmacy in Beverly Hills. But my mother found the pads and hydrator for me in Vermont Country Store Catalog, or maybe it was Soft Surroundings catalog. Also, they can be found at Whole Foods Market. I am just saying, they aren’t that hard to find. Plus, on Frownies’ website, you type in your city and state and they’ll give you a store locater. So, frown no more, little crabby princess! Really, finding that photo would have made this post so much better…

P.S. Guess what I FOUND?!?!

P.P.S.  This is dcrmom, with breaking news.  Okay, so maybe it’s not breaking.  Frownies can also be purchased at drugstore.com, which is one of our affiliates.  If you purchase at drugstore.com through a link on our site, we earn like two cents or something.  But it adds up, and we certainly appreciate your support!