Weird things I have done in the name of beauty

I used to be cute. Then I moved to California. Right after I turned 30.

If there are two things you should not do to yourself, it’s (a) move to Los Angeles when (b) you are about to jump the shark. And trust me. At 30 in LA? Get your motor running. Head out on the shark way.

So there I was, surrounded by everyone who had been the most beautiful person in Peoria or Bali or wherever, who had moved to the one place you are supposed to move to if you are beautiful because if you are beautiful in LA, it is generally enough to assure you of living pretty comfortably. If you don’t make it as an actress there, you can at least be a trophy wife.

And then there was I, who came to LA to get married to a normal person. June, voted class clown, not prettiest.

And this, friends, is how I came to try all sorts of plastic surgery.

I felt so insecure surrounded by all those pretty people! And I was a horrid 30! (What I wouldn’t give to be 30 now, by the way.)

The first thing I tried was collagen in my lips because I looked like Reba McIntyre. I was obsessed with my thin lips.

Well, let me tell you something, Missy. Collagen injections hurt. They hurt bad. And plus? They don’t do a whole lot. I did not have fat lips. I think that cost $400.

Then I tried collagen in my forehead wrinkle. Guess what? It doesn’t hurt so much, but somehow I got an infection and I ended up with a four-inch black circle on my forehead. Say, did you notice my wrinkle? It’s here under this black dot! It was like my forehead was a Glamor Don’t. I do not remember what this one cost, other than my dignity.

Do you think this dissuaded me from further plastic surgery? Oh, silly you.

The next thing I did was have liposuction where I had a double chin. I think I have mentioned this previously, but in my wedding pictures, my father walking me down the aisle looked like a portrait of Sir Pelican and his child, Little Pelican. I could see where my chin was going. It was going south. Where the fish are jumping.

I got a loan for this one — as I recall it was $3,000. The procedure took place on a Saturday, at the doctor’s really fancy office on Sunset Blvd. in Beverly Hills. And by the way, plastic surgeons’ offices are always really fancy and their receptionists are always stunning.

Anyway, it was an odd sensation, having your chin liposuctioned, but it wasn’t all that bad. The doctor had a stained-glass window in the ceiling you could look at.

I had to wear this mummy head wrap for a few weeks, and it hurt the first night, but I had drugs. And I have to say, I’m pretty happy I had this dumb procedure. Also? He took the fat from my chin and put it in my lips, again with minimal results.

Finally, and I know I’ve told you this before, I went in before work one day and had a flap of Gortex permanently rolled up and placed in my upper lip. I TOLD you I was obsessed with my thin lip. Now, THIS was unpleasant. It cost $700 and going to work after was awful. I was really in pain. And the result? I think the only person who can tell is me.

Then I spent several hundred dollars to have a series of acupuncture face lift procedures. I went to this acupuncturist in Santa Monica, and they claimed the acupuncture and their herbs would make me younger looking. It didn’t. But the tea made me high as helium. It tasted awful (they concoct it from various jars right there, after you tell them what’s wrong with you. You brew it at home in a special pot and oh, does it smell. But it made me so perky I came to sort of like the smell). I think this venture was around $400.

I have also been cupped, which is supposed to remove all my toxins. I think this was like 50 bucks or something. It wasn’t bad, compared to the other stupid stuff I’ve done. Cupping involves these tiny glass bowls being heated and rubbed on your back. And I will not give you disgusting details, but toxins DID come out. For shizzle.

Oh! And I had oil dripped on my third eye at a spa once! It was supposed to bring me enlightenment. It brought me acne.

Then there was the time I spent $54 on shampoo. It was Philip B. White Truffle shampoo. It was supposed to have super moisturizing power. And actually? It did. It was good. But who has $54 for shampoo every time?

Finally, of course, I have had Botox. This is usually about 400 bucks a pop, too. And again, I saw no real results from it. I couldn’t move my forehead, but my crabby wrinkle was still there.

Really, the times I’ve looked noticeably good are the times I eat well, don’t drink like a sailor and get good rest. I know that’s boring.

Oooo! Don’t let me forget to tell you about how unboring my last life was though! For a hundred bucks I had a past life reading and found out all the thrilling things I did before. My husband said, "I’ll give you a past life reading. An hour ago you had $100 more than you do now."

He never gets beauty treatments.