There’s A Basketball In My Uterus!

Let’s be honest for a minute, shall we?

Pregnancy is wonderful and beautiful and all, and the final result is so exciting {I’m just assuming, as this is my first} and totally worth every bit of discomfort and stuff.

But also?

It really messes with fashion.

I mean, let’s call a spade a spade here; there’s something growing in your uterus that takes you from your formally “hot bod” to something not even closely resembling a human, but more like an elephant.

This is why, even prior to my bump making its debut recently, I created a set of rules for myself.

Hold on to your figure: I know you veteran moms are laughing at this statement. But let me make an argument for side ruching.

Back in the day, pregnancy meant you would spend the impending months in horrible looking mumus and your husband’s shirts. Some wonderful woman {her mansion in heaven will be right next door to Jesus’} out there decided NO MORE, and maternity clothing options have come a long way, even in the last decade. But the shirts with the ruching on the side really have gone a step further in making us women with child feel like we’re still retaining a bit of our pre-baby figure. They give the illusion of a waste-line and somehow hide everything that you want to hide. It’s a miracle shirt.

Step away from the polka dots: We’re girlfriends, right? I can be honest with you, can’t I? Great. If you couldn’t wear stripes, polka dots, fire-engine red, dresses, skirts, or tube socks when you were in your prime, now is not the time to attempt such a thing. You’re pregnant.

Good idea!

NOT a good idea.

This means a big belly, pimples that make you look like the before pictures in ProActiv commercials, and boobs that cannot be contained {seriously folks, they have a mind of their own}. Among other things. You have no business taking fashion risks in this condition. You can barely make it through a Folgers commercial without an emotional breakdown; the last think you need is for someone to see you in your fashion risk and ask you how far past your due-date you are. This will happen to you if you step out of your fashion-comfort-zone. Don’t do it.

For the love of all things holy, keep them in your shirt: If you’re anything like me, God did not see fit to bless you with large breasts in your state of pre-pregnancy. If you’ve ever been pregnant, you will begin to understand why. Boobs are a pain in the neck. Literally and figuratively. Here’s the thing: a great bra and a shirt that is NOT cut down to there are great things to invest in. Low-cut shirts and tanks will have you playing the game of “oh-no-are-they-gonna-pop-out?-let-me-pull-my-shirt-up.” All. Stinking. Day. And an ill-fitting bra will have them spilling out into your shirt. Not good my friends. Not good. When things are contained as they should be, you actually look better.

So as badly as you want to wear that mumu, or those cute babydoll shirts with the polka dots, or your old bras because you’re just too cheap {or lazy} to invest in a couple new ones, don’t. You’ll thank me later, after you’ve seen pictures of yourself and think, “Hm, I didn’t look all that bad!”